She Works Without Pay. He Pays Without Rest. Who Really Carries the Load?

I was recently talking to a friend who had lost all his money in the stock market — even his children’s school fees. He had just three months of cash left to survive in a metro city like Bangalore. He had no job. None of his family members knew about his situation — not even his wife.

As a woman who has worked in a corporate job and faced layoffs, I realised the amount of stress he was carrying — without saying a word, without a single break.

In our everyday lives, we can see that behind closed doors and beyond what society praises, both women and men carry a lot of invisible weight — but not equally, and not openly.

The woman wakes up before sunrise for her family. She prepares meals, drops the kids off at school, cares for ageing parents, juggles emotions, calms tantrums, and runs her household like a silent CEO. He, on the other hand, bears the burden of bills, wrestles with the growing anxiety of job security, and suppresses the need for rest — because he can’t afford to stop.

They both work. They both ache. But only one is seen as the “provider.”

Welcome to the modern family paradox — where women’s unpaid labour remains invisible, and men’s emotional fatigue goes unheard.

The Historical Imbalance We Inherited

To understand where we are, we need to know how we got here.

If it doesn't pay, it doesn't count. This view of society — rooted in patriarchal tradition — has created an entire ecosystem where men earn recognition for their work, while women’s contributions are normalised, expected, and ultimately overlooked.

Tasks like caregiving, cooking, cleaning, and emotional regulation are framed as love, not labour. Women are applauded for sacrifice, not compensated for service. Meanwhile, men who bring home a salary are valorised — often at the cost of their inner lives.

A Tale of Two Invisibilities

Let’s bring this down to a familiar setting.

In many Indian households, one partner wakes at dawn — preparing breakfast, managing school routines, handling groceries, and caring for ageing parents. She isn’t formally employed, yet her workday stretches longer than most.

The other works 12-hour days as the financial backbone of the family — juggling loan repayments, rising fees, and healthcare costs. Since the pandemic, his workload has doubled. His anxiety is constant, his sleep fragmented. Still, he pushes on — because that’s what a “provider” does.

They don’t often argue about roles. There is love. There is respect. But beneath the surface, both quietly carry the weight of being unseen.

The Unpaid Economy of Women’s Work

According to the International Labour Organisation, women globally perform over three-quarters of unpaid care work. In India, the disparity is startling: women spend nearly six hours per day on unpaid labour, while men average less than one hour.

In 2019, Oxfam estimated that women’s unpaid work contributes $10.8 trillion annually to the global economy — more than tech, finance, and energy combined. Yet it’s absent from GDP calculations, national policy conversations, and household appreciation.

This invisibility comes at a cost: not just exhaustion, but dreams deferred, careers paused, financial dependence, and a loss of self-identity.

And What About Men?

While women shoulder unpaid physical labour, men are burdened with unspoken emotional and financial expectations.

Society has taught men that their value lies in output, stoicism, and self-sacrifice. Emotional vulnerability is often equated with weakness. Asking for help is taboo.

According to a 2023 study, 48% of working Indian men are at high risk for poor mental health, and financial well-being is a key contributing factor — yet the majority had never discussed it with family. Globally, male suicide rates remain significantly higher, particularly in countries where traditional masculinity is tightly enforced.

This isn’t a contest of who has it worse. It’s a mirror, revealing that both genders are suffering silently in a system that honours neither caregiving nor emotional honesty.

The Systemic Silence

Who benefits when we stay silent about unpaid work and unseen burdens?

No one. In fact, the silence sustains cycles of burnout, resentment, and relational disconnect. When one partner is emotionally drained from constant giving and the other is mentally exhausted from endless earning, intimacy erodes. Understanding fades. Resentment simmers.

These aren’t personal problems. They are cultural defaults. And defaults can — and must — be rewritten.

What COVID-19 Exposed

The pandemic was a brutal but necessary wake-up call.

As homes became offices and schools, women were pushed further into unpaid caregiving roles. Millions lost their jobs or chose to step back — often without recognition of the labour they were absorbing. According to UN Women, 47 million women globally were pushed into poverty in 2020 alone.

Men, too, faced unprecedented financial anxiety. Many turned to gig work to survive layoffs, hiding economic struggles from their families. Stress levels spiked. Emotional health declined.

The takeaway? Both roles are vulnerable. Both are vital. And neither is sustainable without change.

Dismantling the Gender Script

True equality isn’t about reversing roles. It’s about rewriting the rules.

• Men are not machines. They are allowed to rest, feel, cry, and need support.

• Women are not caregivers by birthright. They deserve choice, independence, and economic autonomy.

• All labour is valuable. Whether it pays in currency or in care.

• Partnership should mean shared weight. Not complementary exhaustion.

So, What Can We Do?

1. Talk About the Work
List out every task in your home. Who handles what? Make the invisible, visible.

2. Share Skills, Not Just Duties
Let him cook. Let her manage money. Cross-train in life — for equality, not just emergencies.

3. Validate Emotional Labour
Ask each other, “What’s weighing on you?” — and really listen.

4. Model it for the Next Generation
Raise boys who can care and girls who can lead — without apology.

5. Push for Policy Change
Support care credits, paid parental leave, and social security for homemakers. Advocate for economic policies that respect care work.

A New Definition of Strength

What if strength wasn’t about endurance but empathy?

What if the best providers weren’t those who earned the most, but those who showed up — emotionally, mentally, and collaboratively?

Imagine a world where a man says, “I’m tired,” and isn’t mocked. Where a woman says, “I need help,” and isn’t shamed. Where both can speak, be heard, and be honoured.

Who Carries the Load?

She does.
He does.
And until we honour both contributions, the scales of equality will never balance.

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At The Pulse, we don’t just raise questions — we feel them. And we invite you to feel with us.

Let’s talk about it.

Share your reflections in the comments, or write to us anonymously. Because the weight of modern life should never be carried alone.